Special needs room seeker

I am so glad you found this ad. You would be perfect for our room. We know you are having financial difficulty and you just need someone to cut you a break. In our home we are not bound by those silly economic rules that everyone else has. We get free cable, electricity, water and our garbage is so good, the city pays us to take it!!!!!! We are just passing the savings on to you. Drama free! 
 
 
Our home is spotless clean. It takes no effort on your part to keep it that way. It is completely out of the question to hold you to such a high standard. We will merrily pick up after you. We have nothing better to do. 
 
 
Please forgive us for the previous ad requesting that you not have pets. We were soo wrong to assume your ferret has a slight odor. I don’t know what got in to me. There is no way your precious dog could ever scratch my wood floors or kill my grass. Thank goodness Spot was there to alert me to the water utility truck at 2 am. Your dog is far more reliable than my Sig Sauer. It is perfectly cool to have your FIVE well taken care of cats stay in your room when you are away. Our friends and family will never be so rude as to comment on the smell of the litter box. We understand how theraputic your pets are at working through your commitment issues and filling in that hole in your heart where a family should be. 
 
 
I think your perfectly safe snake would open my children’s eyes to the wonder of the animal kingdom. I look forward to the helicopter ride and the days of anxiety wondering if the anti venom took because my young daughter reached for a wild snake that was not as tame as your pet instead of running away. 
 
 
All you young adults thinking about saving an animal and practicing for kids, STOP! If you are not grown enough to keep your credit card balance low, you can not handle a pet. Pets get fleas, ring worm, broken limbs and the fur can clog your air conditioning coils which can cost you $250 for an HVAC guy to scrub your coils. Our cat got a hold of cold medicine and had to have his stomach pumped. Unlike your room, vets are not free. The creatures cost money! Save yourself first, then an animal. 
 
 
We respect your privacy and admire your quest to prove your independence. Other people should model themselves after you. Feel free to have as many strangers spend the night as you wish. It costs me nothing for your significant other to use my dishes, water, washer and dryer. Put as many hooks as you need in my walls. Let my walls be your canvas. Your expression is more important than me getting my $1200 deposit back. It’s your room and you’re paying for it. Hell, if you wanted rules, you would just live at mom and dad’s right? I am so happy to be out of my parent’s place. I can do what ever I want except for the things listed in my ten page lease. In other words, we all have rules we have to follow! 
 
 
If you are breaking the law, have a symphony of funky smells eminating from your room and leave a trail of beer bottles; we will respect your privacy and leave you alone. The minute you start showing that you are making rational decisions, we will be all in your shiznit. 
 
 
We are so proud of you getting your life back together since the DWI conviction. Your new $300 mountain bike should be brought inside when you aren’t using it. We will try not to infringe on your right to protect your property by asking you to keep it outside. We enjoy the oil stains in our carpet. I’m sure our landlord will mention it to the new tenants when we leave as a selling point. 
 
 
Again, thank you for reading this post. After proof reading my post I just realized how unreasonable I am to live with. I’m sorry to waste your time. We will pay you to live with us. We could learn from your idealistic wisdom. 
 
 
One more caveat. I asked the electric company if I cleaned the house thouroughly, if they would leave the electricity on. I then contacted the city to see if they could knock a little off the water bill if I offered up some "benefits". I offered to cook for the gas company. Surprisingly, they all said no. That just confirmed my suspicions that all utilities are operated by dirty unichs that never eat. I will have to come up with cash for them. If you are energy conscience, it helps you. That’s more money I can give you to live with me. If you are offering "benefits", please check with my wife first. She’s been in charge of that for years and she may not want to upset the balance of power she has. Then again, she may be able to employ you in ways far beyond my imagination to further remove my masculine nature. 
 
 
By moving in, you can help me potty train my daughter by yelling and cursing at her when she barges in on your shower time. My son definately needs his confidence shaken when he accidentaly brushes your out of order baby feeders by telling him how much of a bad kid he is. He’s four years old. He’s not manipulating you in to sex like your last 3 boyfriends. Nor, do I want him drawing on your chest with markers while you sleep. 
 
 
If you are a college student, You are going to have to be more specific about what area you are looking for near TCC, UNT, UTA and UTD. The classrooms are spread all over DFW. When you say you want to be near UTA, it’s no different than saying you want to live near a Kroger. All uf us landlords attended local colleges. 
 
 
I hope you enjoyed my ad. I really do have a room for rent that I have not been able to fill with a rational person for months. My wife, myself and my marriage counselor have enjoyed some of the requests made for people seeking rooms\apartments\sex slaves. Here are my top picks for the looney files: 
 
 
1. 19F Disease Free and not looking for "benefits" (this is not the first mixed message I ever got from a woman) 
2. No email or number posted in the ad (I’m shuffling my Taroh cards now) 
3. My last $300 apartment was filthy, looking to improve my situation and save money. (let us know how the something for nothing plan works out for you) 
4. I’m a responsible 18 year old. (I’m 35, 2 kids, wife, house, car, non-criminal and I still screw up) Call Ripley’s 
5. I can’t afford more than $200 a month. You will never see me. I am always at work. (I call shenanigans! If you are working, you can afford more. You are going to have to get a smaller cell phone plan) 
6. Free room for female over 18 with benefits. (I call mine, dramatic pause… wife) * see footnotes 
7. Will watch your vacation house for free. (Who vacations in DFW? Might work in Colorado, California or Florida. Joe Pool lake is one of a kind for sure.) 
8. Live in nanny in exchange for free room and small salary. (My wife does that job and she shares a room with me. Do you actually think you clean so good to get your own room? Move to Bel Aire) 
9. Not only do I need a place to stay, can I borrow some money? (Are you such a bad person that you have burned all your friend’s bridges that they won’t lend to you?) 
10. It’s 2018 people. Text me or look at MySpace. (Web sites lie. Report card, parents and work history are more reliable. At best, I will email you) 
11. 20F prefer to live in home with people my age. (ROFLMAO! 20 years old? Work for a year at a movie theater? $20K in school loan debt? Still owe $14K on your honda civic? Here, have $160K for your first home! Ha ha ha ha) 
12. Young professional seeks housing. (just because you have a job that does not require to have your name on a reusable name tag does not make a you a professional) 
13. I am an openminded Christian woman. ( Don’t flame me. I am a believer myself, but what are you trying to achieve here? Watch a girls gone wild video. How many girls are on video with WWJD bracelets and proudly wearing their gold cross under their mardi gras beads? ) 
 
 
Gentlemen, I am going to let you in on a secret. Sex costs money. The more sex you want, the more it will cost. You can skirt the bill for a little while and then the big total eventually catches up to you. Girlfriends and mistresses are cheap at first, but eventually you will get hit with fatherhood, child support or a small divorce. Your next upgrade would be professional full service massages and their courteous pimps. If you are still not sure if you are ready for the top of the line sex, you can try the fiance’ mode for a while, but be carefull with the early termination charges. If you want the whole enchilada, go for the wife. This is the most expensive sex you can have and thusly the best. If you are truely a love machine, wife will actually go to work on her own and reduce the sexpenses. I’ve heard stories of men with multiple wives. I’ve also heard of dragons and unicorns. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The response to this post has been hysterical. Only a few haters. They flag and it takes me 30 seconds to repost. Many, many people telling me their roommate from hell stories. I will just keep adding to it. There are real people in need. If you can help and are running a halfway home, Bless you. When investing in people, all it takes is one success story to recover from all the failures. 
 
 
 
a word or two from a boarder, renter and home owner

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